DAIRY QUEEN

By Benjamin Law
- Responding Artist:
 BLACK IS THE NEW WHITE

All my childhood crushes were white. There was Jonathan Brandis (rest his beautiful soul) from such enduring classics as Stephen King's It, Seaquest DV and The Neverending Story II. Mark-Paul Gosselaar and his wonderful hair from Saved By the Bell. Tornado, the very obscure one-season-hunk from Channel 7’s Gladiators. From an early age, it seems I was a white supremacist. Please don’t be offended. I say this in a white supremacist-positive sense.


In my late teens, I started dating a white boyfriend, all Disney prince-like in bone structure and face. "PEOPLE," I wanted to publicly declare while banging a large drum, “BEHOLD – I HAVE SCORED THE ULTIMATE PRIZE.” If anything though, everyone found it far more fascinating that he was dating an … ethnic. They had so many questions! Did he think of himself as a rice queen? Did he have an Asian fetish? It kind of took me aback – partly for the racism, but mostly because he was the one getting the attention. Excuse me, but why didn’t I have a name for my fetish? Like – I dunno – Dairy Queen? (Ignore the fact that I, like many East Asian people, am mildly lactose intolerant.)

Everyone was so impressed by his new-found knowledge of Chinese culture, customs and cuisine. But what about my newfound appreciation and knowledge of white culture? And my boyfriend really has taught me so much about white culture over the years; things like how to enjoy public broadcasting, the virtues of buying expensive bread you need to cut yourself, and vegetarianism. Yes, some of it is a little silly, but it’s also kind of … I dunno. Cute. Kitsch.

I know what you’re all thinking. And yes, I have learned to overlook the fact that between British colonialism and the fact nearly all known serial killers are white, my boyfriend’s race is exceptionally prone to violence. But at the end of the day, they’re such an attractive race. High cheekbones. Milky skin. Hair in unusual places. Just call me an Anglophile. Don’t call me a racist. Some of my best friends are white, you know.

BLACK IS THE NEW WHITE opens FEB 1 at the Playhouse, QPAC.