Morgonn McMichael, a senior at M-A, has struggled with her mental health throughout high school. Recently, McMichael has begun sharing her story in the hopes of starting an open conversation about mental health in a society where pushing negative emotions down is the norm.
McMichael's journey began in middle school, when she was bullied by people whom she considered her friends. She described how many of her good friends moved away, and she didn't have a group of people on whom she could depend at the start of freshman year. As high school progressed, she felt more and more isolated and explained how although she was friendly with many people, she lacked any close friends in whom she could confide.
She also struggled academically with the transition into high school and the pressure that she put on herself. "I grew up getting all straight A's, and then freshman year getting lower grades, I just didn't accept it as a person. I just felt like I needed to be that straight A student that I was before."
McMichael started to struggle with depression around this time, and explained that while it was prompted by her circumstances, it became so deeply rooted that she felt depressed even when she didn't think she had any reason to be upset. When asked to describe how her depression felt, McMichael paused, struggling to put her experience into words. "[It's] feeling like you always wanted to cry, but you couldn't. And so my depression was just very, I guess, sad? And every single day I just wanted to cry, and I couldn't figure out why I wanted to cry, or why I was upset."
"I just dealt with it myself until it would, I guess, wear off. But it never really wore off. I ended up having to talk to people about it."
She forgot what it was like to feel normal, largely because she refused to share what she was going through with anyone. Her feelings of isolation kept her from talking to any friends, and fear of going to therapy and worrying her parents led her to believe that she had nowhere to turn. "During sophomore year, I had never really talked to my parents, just having a sit-down conversation about life, or about anything. They didn't have any clue what was really going on in my life. I didn't want them to go overboard, and say that I needed to have a psychologist, or go have studies [done]."
McMichael now sees that her perception of therapy at the time was skewed, largely because of societal implications of needing a therapist. "I just thought of therapy as you sit in a room and you have to tell your therapist anything and everything about you, and they try to 'fix' you. I didn't want to be fixed; I liked me the way I was, and I didn't want to have to go to a doctor. I didn't want my parents to have to pay money to help me or fix me, whatever was wrong."
Outside of school, McMichael works as a model and actress, and is committed to her robotics team, Space Cookies. While those involved in her activities supported her fully, many of McMichael's friends and acquaintances criticized her for doing what she loved. "I had people telling me I wasn't smart enough to do robotics, and I had people telling me I wasn't pretty enough to model. That was very frustrating."
"It's just something that I love so much, and hearing people saying 'wow that's so cool, but how are you doing that, you're a girl,' or 'you're not smart enough,' That really hurt me."
McMichael explained that she internalized the comments from people who didn't believe she could pursue her passions. She remembered counting calories and watching her weight because despite what her agent was telling her, those around her constantly questioned her ability to be a model. These behaviors added to her stress, as she was already struggling with depression. "I was like, 'people are telling me I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, okay what can I do to fix this?' So, I was doing everything I could to 'fix' it. But there wasn't anything to do except go see a therapist and talk to people about it."
Eventually, McMichael ended up going to her parents for help, and having sessions with a therapist. "It didn't hit me until, three times, I physically thought about suicide. And that was hard to go through, because nobody knew about anything that was going on in my life at all. So, I just felt very alone, and thought nobody was going to miss me, that nobody thought about me. I think, after the third time of really thinking about [suicide], and breaking down crying at 2 a.m. in my bed, I realized that I needed help. So a few weeks after that, I told [my parents].”
McMichael believes that going to therapy and opening up to her parents was when she finally started to get a handle on her depression. She reflected that she wishes somebody had told her it was okay to not be okay all the time.
"I felt like I was climbing this mountain of rocks, and now I feel like I have finally gotten to the sand. I know it'll still be bad sometimes, but I have such a great support system now."
McMichael believes that a big part of her struggles stemmed from worrying about what others would think of her, especially with the stigma around talking about mental health. "[Mental illness] isn't even treated like physical illnesses [in society]. Like if you break your leg, you go to the doctor and get a cast, and fix it. And you come to school and everyone believes you because you have physical proof. With a mental illness, there is no physical proof. People joke around with it, or they don't believe you. It's not something to joke around with because there are so many people that are depressed and just don't talk about it."
When asked what she would tell people who are struggling with their mental health, McMichael advised that they should not to be ashamed of it. She believes everyone struggles, just at varying levels. McMichael hopes that telling her story will inspire people to share their feelings with even just one person, because that was what finally made the difference for her. She wants people to know that she is not ashamed of her mental health, and she thinks it's time for society to have a more accepting mindset for people sharing their stories. "The reason that I talk about [depression] is because one more person that is talking about it could potentially be one less person who is dealing with it by themselves."
"You need to talk to somebody and get it out, and tell someone who is going to lift you up, not push you down. You need to tell someone who's going to encourage you to get help."
