When I was 16 years old I was referred through CAMHS to a psychiatrist, after showing symptoms of depression and psychosis. There had been a lot of concern that I was bipolar or had a personality disorder, but once I attended a few sessions I was reassured that all was OK. Except for one thing that had never even crossed my mind.
I remember rolling down my sleeves to cover up my arms as I so often did, and making a throwaway comment that I was unhappy with them. I had quite a lot of arm fat and to me, they made my body out of proportion. I was a teenage girl, not an elderly woman, so why did I have bingo wings? According to my relentless Google searches, young girls were supposed to store more weight on their thighs so why did my arms receive the bulk of my fat? I knew there was something wrong with me, either my hormones, or the way my body digested food. I didn't look like any of my friends.
'You do that quite a lot.' He commented. 'There's nothing wrong with your arms at all. Nor with your cheeks, your shoulders, your stomach. I think you have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.' I had never heard of that condition before. His words stuck in my mind for years.
It is heartbreaking to think that as a 16 year old girl, I thought these insecurities were normal. I thought that everyone felt sick when they looked in the mirror. I thought that it was normal to cut your skin because your figure 'didn't look right'. I thought that being terrified to leave the house because of your appearance was just 'having a bad day.'
I don't know what exactly caused me to develop these haunting insecurities and this skewed perception of what is normal, but I know that one of the most awful problems in today's society is the culture we have of shaming and bitching about each other. I am certain that this must have had some impact, not just on myself but on the millions of women and girls who wake up feeling like there is something wrong with them every morning. Celebrity culture is constantly shamed for producing unrealistic ideas, but this problem is prevalent on a much more everyday basis. To put this into perspective: I am a 22 year old woman, and here are all the things that I have ever been told are 'wrong' with my body. And these are just the ones that stick out.
Arms:
'Your arms are really hairy but your hair is light, that doesn't make sense.' - Girl at school.
'Nobody is going to employ you with scars like that on your arms.' - Family member.
Boobs:
'Look, isn't Laura really top heavy? Her boobs look far too big for her body.' - A family member, to another family member.
'Your tits are massive. They're so fascinating to look at. Are they squishy? Let me touch them I want to feel them. That's so weird.' - Group of girl friends.
'I sent your pics to X, I hope you don't mind. He loved them, X really likes burger nips.' - Boy I sent nudes to (in confidence).
'You might have good boobs, but that literally means nothing. One day you'll realise that all guys care about is the butt.' - Friend.
Butt:
'I've never really noticed your arse before. Now you point it out, it's actually not that great.' - Friend.
'Your arse is so flat. Not like Y, she's definitely got some more booty on her!' - Friend, after coming up behind me and slapping it.
'Your arse is really fat in those jeans. They're so tight it's making me feel sick.' - Male friend.
Cheeks:
'Your cheeks are so puffy. They make your face look really fat.' - Family member.
Eyes:
'Your eyes are too big. You stretch them on purpose in pictures to look like an anime character.' - Girl at school.
Eyebrows:
'Your eyebrows are so fair they look bad natural. You should definitely sort them out.' - Friend.
Feet:
'You're only 5'2 but you have size 5 feet? That's enormous.' - Friend.
'You've got alien toes.' - Ex-boyfriend.
'Having your second toe longer than your first toe means you're inbred.' - Girl at school.
Forehead:
'Your biggest flaw is your huge forehead.' - Ex-boyfriend, after making a list of all the girls in our year at school and their flaws.
Hands:
'You have massive hands for a girl. I feel weird holding them.' - Ex-boyfriend.
Height:
'You're so short I can use you as an arm rest!' - A very tall boy.
'We are the cutest best friends. I'm the tall and skinny one, and you're the short and fat one!' - 'Best' friend, when trying on underwear together.
Legs:
'Your legs are so spindly and little. They have no muscle whatsoever.' - Friend.
'Your thighs are so fat they're rubbing together and leaving permanent marks. You really need to lose some weight.' - Family member.
Lips/Teeth:
'The way you smirk with your lips makes you look evil.' - Person on Twitter.
'You have such cute little lips! I bet they're rubbish for blowjobs though.' - Ex-boyfriend.
'You have so many fillings. I've never seen someone with so many fillings. Did you never brush your teeth when you were younger? Is it because you're poor?' - Friend.
Nose:
'Your nose looks like a cross between a bird's and a pig's. I'm going to call you the BIG.' - The first boy I ever had a crush on.
Shoulders:
'You have really broad shoulders. I bet you're really good at swimming.' - Family friend.
'You have such wide shoulders. You're a very broad girl.' - Changing room assistant.
'Your back and shoulders are so much wider than mine, and my thighs and butt are so much wider than yours. We're like opposites.' - Girl I'd just met.
Skin:
'Why don't you wash your face more if you don't want acne?' - Friend.
'Your skin is so severe and disgusting I can't even look at you anymore.' - Family member.
'You have really bad acne. Get over it. Lots of people do, you're being pathetic.' - Work colleague.
'You wear way too much make up, it's chavvy and makes you look poor.' - Boy I had a crush on.
'You look so much better with heavy make up! You look like an entirely different person, why don't you wear it more often?' - Friend.
Stomach:
'Why does your stomach stick out so much after you've eaten? That's not normal.' - Friend.
'I've noticed that you tend to put on a lot of weight around your stomach, so I sent you some articles from the Daily Mail explaining how that causes cancer. You should really do something about it.' - Girl at school.
'Your stomach is fat because you make it that way by eating sugar and fatty foods . Of course you can choose where you put weight on, you're just lazy!' - Friend.
Vagina:
'Your clit is really big, like way bigger than most girls.' - Ex-boyfriend.
'Your clit is so small I can barely find it.' - Different ex-boyfriend.
'You have weird dark patches of skin around your vagina, what the fuck?!' - Male friend, who should not have been looking at my vagina.
Weight:
'The clothes you wear make you fatter than you are in reality. Wear a dress and try to look more feminine.' - Family member.
'Your seatbelt digs into you because you're a big girl.' - Driving instructor.
'You are way too big for me. She's the perfect weight for a girl.' - Friend about one of our other friends (who had an eating disorder).
'I'd say you were chubby. Maybe even fat. Yes definitely fat, but I don't understand why. We ate together in halls and I never saw you eat more than anyone else.' - Friend.
'You looked so skinny and beautiful then. That was the best you ever looked.' - Family member referring to a period of time after I had been in hospital and dropped to lowest ever weight of 7.5 stone.
Miscellaneous:
'I find you really attractive in a strange way. All my friends think you're ugly though so don't tell them about this.' - Boy I was making out with.
'If you don't take better care of yourself, you'll never get anywhere in life. Appearance is everything. Your face is your fortune.' - Family member.
'I used to be so proud of you, when you were about 16/17 and much skinnier, and took better care of your appearance. Men would flirt with you in shops and call you pretty. Now nobody wolf whistles after you and you make no effort anymore, it's embarrassing.' - Family member.
The scale of this is absolutely colossal and is so important. I am just one person, this period is probably only about 10 years and these are just the comments that I remember. They don't include the comments about my personality, gender, sexuality, mental illness and much more. This is an epidemic that we need to strive to change and remove. It happens every day to millions of people across the globe and should really make us think twice about what sort of society we live in, where we breed the very illnesses that we refuse to accept. What also struck me was those making the comments. It was everyone. Those who I'd just met, those who I'd known for years, children, adults, boys and girls. When I was 18 I was told that after leaving school, nobody would be bitchy anymore and people would start to accept each other for who they were, that we'd have true friends. I can honestly say that the adult world sucks just as much.
And as for me, I am under no illusion that I have never spoken badly about a girl's appearance, weight, personality or anything else for that matter. I feel ashamed because I have been brought up in a world where I was taught that this was acceptable and didn't try my best to rebel against that. Lets make 2016 the year that we wipe this out and start accepting each other for who we are. Only when we have accepted each other, can we come to terms with ourselves.
